My “unretirement”

Today was the Beer Mile. I would have to label my performance a qualified success. I had a few goals in mind when I committed to the race a couple of months ago and I met several.

My first objective was to lose some weight. When I decided to do this back in July I weighed 244.5 lbs – grossly overweight. I ambitiously set a goal of losing 30 lbs by race day. My battery died on my scale Friday so I don’t know exactly what my weight was today (the scale uses a 3 volt watch battery which isn’t exactly carried by your local mini mart). However, I was at 222 lbs Friday so I’m pretty pleased with the 22.5 lb loss even if I didn’t make my target weight (I’m going to keep working on getting it down further).

My next objective was to break 15 minutes. As a reminder, the rules of the race call for the runners to drink a 12 oz can of beer, run a quarter mile, then repeat three times. When I told my buddy Kevin (he’s the Tavern bartender, and former race winner (specifically in 2004), that invited me to participate) that that was what I wanted to do, he looked at me askance and said “that’s pretty aggressive, that would have beat my time last year”. I assured him that I thought it was doable.

However, I also acknowledged that one of my competitive advantages in the Phi Psi 500 was going to be negated by a specific Beer Mile rule. One thing that set me apart in the Phi Psi was the ability to throw up without having it affect my ability to run (one year I ever ralphed without breaking stride). In the Beer Mile, though, you are penalized if you throw up by having to run an extra lap (once you throw up though, you’re golden – you can throw up as many times as you would like after that – the max penalty is just that one lap). While I continued to publicly state that my objective was 15 minutes, I privately acknowledged to Kevin that I was worried about throwing up and would be happy with a 20 minute time if I had to do the extra lap.

One of the things that my experience in this race has taught me is that getting the beer down while you are breathing heavily is difficult (Ron will attest to this 😆 ). That factored into my strategy. Basically, I formulated a plan that called for me to walk about the last 100 yards of each lap so that I would get my breathing under control before I chugged the beer. I figured I could make up considerable time in the beer drinking part of the race by doing this.

Last night I upped the ante a little. I told two of Kevin’s roommates – one current – one ex, who was back in town for the race – that I was planning on beating them. They are both in their late 20s and had run previously with times in the 15-25 minute time frame. I’m not sure that they took the braggadocio of this 62 year old too seriously.

When I got to the race this afternoon I found out some more details of the race. There were about 40 people participating (maybe 30 were running individually but some others were just competing in a relay version). The entrants were broken up into 8 person heats. Kevin and I were in the second heat. Also in heat two were Kevin’s girlfriend Ellen (a runner who had actually beaten Kevin last year), Kevin’s brother Ryan, Kevin’s old roommate Rob who I had boasted that I would beat, and a couple of people that I didn’t know. We would all stand around this high table and would start the chug at the beginning together. At that point, I made another prediction. I told the group that I planned on being first away from the table. I also said that I would probably be last at the halfway point but that my strategy would mean that I would be catching people in the last half of the race.

The actual race started at about 4 PM. In the first group was the two time defending champion so Kevin paid particular attention to him since Kev was intent on winning it again. The champ got away cleanly and was off to the races. His first lap split put him under record time (at least the State College Beer Mile’s record time) but he clearly looked like he was struggling a little with the second beer. By the time he finished the second lap it was clear that he wasn’t going to set a record. He also really struggled with the third beer – he must have taken a good 45 seconds getting it down (Kevin was smiling the whole time). He finally finished it and pulled away from the table. Now the course is set up so that you run about 50 yards to a small track where you do about a 300 yard loop then run back to the start along the same 50 yard stretch that you started out on. As the defending champ started out on his third lap, a girl was approaching him just finishing her second. When they were about 6-8 feet apart he let lose with a projectile vomit that just missed her by inches (I when I say missed, I don’t mean missed her feet, she ducked and it went right over her head). Needless to say that got a HUGE roar from the crowd (it also delighted Kevin because it meant the guy had to do an extra lap and the race was wide open). The winner of that heat finished around 11 something – the former champ’s time was around 12 minutes. At that point, I told Kevin the race was there for his taking. I told him I expected him to lap me during my second and his third lap.

Our group was next. Now while there were a couple of guys running who were 40 or 50ish, I was clearly the oldest and I’m sure some people were looking at me askance. Right then Kevin pointed to me and announced to the crowd “Don’t underestimate him. He’s a former Phi Psi 500 champ”. One of the guys in our heat that I didn’t know turned to me then and said “Yeah but how long ago was that”. “OK. 20 years” I admitted “but experience IS a factor in this race”.

Then our heat started. I slammed the beer down and, true to my prediction, I was the first one away from the table. The race start takes place in this women’s backyard and she has a raised porch which the racers run parallel to for the first 30 feet or so. Most of the crowd spectates from the porch. As I took off, it gave me great pleasure to hear someone in the crowd say “Wow. The old guy is off first”.

I held the lead for about 30 yards before Kevin blew by me. One by one, everyone else in the group passed me too. Sticking to my strategy I walked in the last 100 yards of the lap. I was the last one to get to the table. Kevin had already taken off on his second lap and his brother might have also. This would have to be the point where I made my move. Pop!. Slam! (ok – semi-slam. I did stop to take a breath about 2/3 of the way through the can), and I’m off (I think in third place but things start getting a little fuzzy at this point).

In retrospect, I was perhaps a little too aggressive on the drinking end. I got all of about 15 yards away from the table and started to ralph. I held back the first spasm but realized that there was no way I was going to hold it back for the whole race so I just let it go. Upchuck city – although it was just a small one and wasn’t nearly as spectacular as others I would see that day. However, that meant I was doomed to another lap.

The second lap was a carbon copy of the first. One by one, even though I was third out, one by one, most, if not all, of the others in my group passed me. Also as I predicted, Kevin lapped me with about 50 yards to go in that lap. When I got to the table for my third beer, the others were all standing around drinking their beers… but none of them were downing them too rapidly. Once again, I drew upon my strength – Pop! Semi-Slam! (this time I stopped twice while chugging the beer though), and I’m off again. I even left Kevin at the table doing his fourth beer (he admitted later that he was quite impressed that I arrived after him but left before him). Of course, he repassed me about 10 seconds later.

Again the rest of the group passed me during the lap (to be honest I don’t know if they all did or not but certainly MOST did). As I arrived at the table there was the usual cast of characters there, however, they most definitely were struggling. Once again, I made my move, chugged the beer, and left others standing around nursing theirs. As I pulled away from the table I heard Kevin yell for me to go. I yelled back that I had to pace myself because I had to tack a penalty lap on. Right then, Kev said “Don’t worry. Rob has a half mile to go too.” That helped inspire me.

My strategy now became to just make sure I stayed ahead of Rob. It helped that decidedly fewer people passed me on this lap. Now that was partially because two or three had lapped me and had already finished but it was also true that I had left several of the others a good distance behind still drinking their last beers.

I was walking the last few yards of my mile when the crowd started to yell at me to run because someone was gaining on me. I started to run but yelled back in protest that I still had another penalty lap to run. In retrospect, I’m glad I did because I touched the table just before the guy who was trying to catch me. It was the guy who made the comment to me at the start about “how long ago was that?” It did give me a little satisfaction to know that my time for the mile was actually better than his even if he did beat me in the race because I had a penalty lap tacked on (it also meant that I was able to exactly pinpoint my mile time as 15:41 – not the 15 minutes I had hoped for but also not too bad).

For the last lap, I pretty much went into one of those survivor trots that you’ve no doubt seen many a runner do at the end of their race. I had a couple of hundred yards on Rob and I just had to basically hang on to beat him which I managed to do. A couple of other people, including Kevin’s girlfriend Ellen, did pass me on the last lap though. I think I came in 7th in our group. My final time for the mile and 1/4 was 19:13, so I did get under the 20 minute window that I was worried about with a five lap run.

Jason was in the next group and he started out with a vengance. He downed the first beer and was the first one out in his group. I looked like I might be in trouble. He wasn’t near as quick with the second beer though and by the time he got to the third, I knew he didn’t have a prayer. In fact he must have spent about five minutes at the table downing the third beer (much of the time hanging over the fence behind the table losing his lunch). He finished around 25 minutes.

Kevin did wind up winning the race although it did turn out to be a little difficult. As he was finishing, his brother was a few yards behind him. Kevin slowed up so that they could cross the line together (they finished in 9:48). However, the race commitee refused to recognize this gallantry, declaring that no ties were allowed and made them run a two lap two beer tie-breaking match race. Kevin beat his brother by about 5 seconds this time to win the title for the second time.

I had a lot of fun doing it and might continue to work out to give it a go again next year. I’m curious about how well I coud do if I were actually in any kind of decent shape.